One of the phrases I use a lot in my daily life is, “The first act of war is defense.”
It’s a pretty deep sentiment if you really take a moment to sit down and think about what it means, particularly in your own life. Many want to believe that the first aggressive word spoken is the first act of war, but if you don’t engage with your own defensive words, then the war can never actually take place.
The idea of arguing is really an interesting concept. We engage in arguments to convince another party that we are, in fact, correct about the topic at hand. But here’s the problem with this: How many times have you walked away from a heated argument because you felt like the other person succeeded in changing your stance on the topic? Probably not often. As a matter of fact, you probably walked away feeling a greater dislike for the person you just argued with — and that’s about it.
Instead of engaging in an argument in the first place, think about what it is you’re trying to convey and ask yourself if it’s worth engaging. If you think it is, ask yourself why. Unless you’re an attorney — and it’s your job to argue — why engage in argumentative banter rather than have a cool, calm discussion? If you know that the person you’re disagreeing with is going to be combative, regardless of how you behave, why bother at all? Where will it get either of you in the end? You’ll both eventually walk away feeling disgruntled that you didn’t convince each other of your points — and neither side will come away the victor.
However, if you do find yourself involved in a debate, make a point to learn something from it. If you’re going to invest the time and energy to ferociously persuade someone else of your thoughts and opinions, make it a priority to learn from the situation, grow from it and be a better person.
No matter how strongly we feel about something, we can always learn a life lesson from the other side. So, either walk away and grow in peace from not engaging, or grow in the lesson you learned after ending an argument.
This is a good one! Sometimes it is so hard to just listen to a person express their point of view without putting in my own two cents. I love a good debate, but there certainly comes a point where some debates turn into an argument. I find that instead of arguing “my side”, it is more productive to ask questions to find out more of their opinion of the matter. And definitely keep in mind that it is their opinion, not necessarily fact, unless they have evidence to back it up. Everyone is entitled to give their opinion, should they choose. But it is definitely difficult to learn how not to get defensive when someone opposes your thoughts/ideas/values.
Thank you Ms. Jenny. It can be difficult at times to walk away. But I find it annoys people more if you just walk away or treat them with kindness. You are a wise women
I totally agree. You summed it up perfect! I love your blogs.
Jenny you have perfect timing! I was about to engage in an argument with a colleague but walked away to clear my head and decided to read your blog. Excellent advice and I have decided to just not either bother to interact with this person and to just take the high road and just not engage as it really would be pointless and would rather use my energy for something more of a positive nature. Thanks again. You are the best!.
Cheers Tray
To loosely quote someone we all know and love… You can’t conquer hate with hate, because you are still hating…. Conquer it with love and if you get walk away….
Jenny, thank you, this couldn’t have hit me at a better time. I won’t go into detail but this has changed my day, and probably my life. X
I completely agree with you. I’ve never had a more clear thought in my head then when I’m walking away from an argument. Not only does it give me a chance to think and regroup but so does the other person. I can’t tell you how many times just doing that turned what should’ve been an argument into a simple discussion. Thank you.
This is a really good post!!! I’m learning more and more cooler heads always prevail. I tend to be hot headed but I’m taking the stands on being slower to anger and seeking more of an understanding between both parties. It’s a process.
Perfect blog! Question, Would you say that, a person who is aggressive in their discussion, is a person trying to find acceptance within themselves? If a person has peace within them, they would have a calmer attitude, and learn and accept, that others have a different point of view, not take so personally, anger, or a negative emotion, is often deeper seated. It’s true, we can choose our battles, wisely, learn and nurture each other.
Jenny, you are friends with one of my best friends, Sabra, Maui Chef, and girlfriend, you are on point. I love a fun subject to banter around, but, the person who tries to engage you in idiotic arguments for unpurposeful reasons, leaves most individuals mentally exhausted, I simply look at them and walk away. The look on their face is priceless. “Unless the words you speak are more beautiful than silence, be silent.”
I love you Jenny! I needed to hear this, had a tough week! I love your blogs! Your awesome!!!!!
I think you are amazing! I love reading all of your positive advice.
I really this…because some people argue until they are heard, like they two rights don’t make a wrong! You have to forgive a person that you are arguing with, keep it moving! Life is too short for drama!
Hi Jenny, Perfect timing on this! I took a Boundaries class and learned coping skills. I am the type that wants to be heard….LOUDLY. However, a calm voice works well as you walk away……..:) Thanks.
Love this #lovenotwar
After being divorced for 14 years, I finally found love again and remarried in my 40’s. Boy, talking about two people set in their ways after so long! Sure can set you up for heated moments, and not the fun kind :). Coming home to find my new white shirt is now pink after the hubby did the laundry…well, let’s just say I turned shades of red myself! But, I just laughed, walked away and thanked God he even tried doing the laundry! LOL! Life can be short…don’t stress, just LOVE! ?❤️
Always enjoy your posts!!
Wise woman you are… 🙂
Well Said Jenny.
I have always found that listening to people you can learn alot. I have never really argued, I think I was afraid to argue. Afraid I would get hurt and afraid I would hurt someones feelings I love people and talking to them and listening to them. I think I drifted from the topic.
This can be the proper weblog for anybody who desires to find out about this subject. You recognize so a lot its almost hard to argue with you (not that I actually would want…HaHa). You definitely put a brand new spin on a topic thats been written about for years. Great stuff, just wonderful!
Jenny, this is great I think you are totally awesome…I was always one to argue back & yes sometimes I find myself start to but as you said no one wins in this situation…story I would like to share with you, related to walking away from confrontation, I was in a very abusive relationship 23 years ago & I have a beautiful son because of this relationship he is on the spectrum. Anyway I have full custody of my son & his so called father walked away I call him a donar hasn’t seen my son since he was 8months old. I have always feared that he would try to come back into my life & hurt me again so for years I panicked over this & could never get passed this until I went and spoke to someone about it & this is what she told me she said that if you do ever come face to face with him you owe him nothing so if he says anything to you look him in the eyes & say I am sorry do I know you & walk away…so I held on to that & one day it happend he was walking down the hallway at the hospital I work at a few years ago & of course I started to panick couldn’t breath shaking the whole 9 yards & as he got closer & started to open his mouth & say something I suddenly became this brave women & did exactly what she said to do…sorry you must have me confused with someone else & walked away, he just stopped stood there in shock with no words, so with that I accomplished something because I didn’t confront just walk away . Best feeling ever of course after I ran in the ladies room & got sick but I was finally FREE…so yes ladies always take the high road & walk away.
Jenny just wanted to let you know that you & Donnie inspire me I love how happy you two are & I am actually becoming happy again & not so stuck in my social anxiety issues anymore. Love following you on Twitter you both always make me smile, thank you so much for that…
Stacy
sadams193
Great post! I often times have to “check myself” when I start getting too deep in my feelings. It’s human nature to want to be “right”. But I also believe that most people find joy in peace as well. I have a temper AND a potty mouth, ha! I may not be there yet, but I’m further than I was yesterday. Be well my friend! xx
I come back to this post often as I feel this was sound advice and have shared it with friends. It has especially been timely during the contentiousness of 2016. I proud to say that I have been more committed to encouraging earnest debate, as opposed to divisiveness, urging myself and others to disagree without being disagreeable. This simple act of sharing and teaching, has facilitated personal growth. Thanks again for sharing this!